This could be attributed to my recent crack in the universe, also known as heartbreak. Or it could be associated my new vow of celibacy; or maybe a combination of  both.  But I did not plan on putting a moratorium on sexual thoughts, self pleasure etc., so needless to say I became worried when more than a month had passed and I had showed little to no interest in anything remotely sexual.  At even one point I had even tried looking at some seedy porn (which almost always gets my juices flowing) and nothing; dry as the Sahara.

I chalked it up as a dry spell, no pun intended, and hoped that when I was ready I would again be a whirling dervish of masturbating, self pleasuring activity.

As predicted, and hoped, yesterday my dry spelled ended.  This familiar deep guttural, animal instinct started softly humming in the my lower nether regions.  I quietly acknowledged the feelings and kept going about my business, but slowly and surely it became louder and louder until by mid afternoon I had no choice but to give in to the screaming coming from body.  I put my work aside, turned my phone off and took my computer, my pink hummingbird and retired to the bed….and….the “let the games begin”.

Jesus Christ! How did I forget how good it feels to cum??!!  Holly shit!  I mean holly shit!?  I came hard and fast…the first time I teased myself, I wanted to make it last.  I kept holding it off and holding it off, taking myself to the cusp just until I thought I couldn’t handle the pressure and the tingling anymore and then I’d stop; I continued to tease myself for about ten minutes, until I just couldn’t take it anymore… and I let myself CUM. And OH how I CAME!  I mean I really finished.  My whole body released.  Every muscle in my body immediately relaxed and I felt ….ecstasy.

FUCK!!  I’d forgotten how much I loved to masturbate!

Long story short the afternoon past in a blur.  Cumming, bad porn, sweaty nap, cum, porn, food, nap.  Well you get the drift.  It was one of the best afternoons I’ve had in a while.   If you are able to find an afternoon or a few spare hours where you can  spend a few “quality” hours  with yourself I highly recommend it!  Trust me.

Thank god for AA batteries and free internet porn!

Let me back track.  I actually was scrolling through the pictures on my camera on the plane, en route to California. And of course to I stuffed into the middle seat, with the noisiest, little man siting next to me.  About half way through the plane ride I decide to burrow my way down to the floor to try and retrieve my camera.  After blindly flaying my arms and legs on the floor for a minute or so, I’d successfully recovered my camera.

So I start scrolling through the pictures, I can feel my squat little neighbors eye’s burning the camera, but I figured he be looking at some pretty mundane stuff.  Wouldn’t you know that the third picture would be a throbbing cock!  Wow did I turn that camera off fast.

Two things happened instantaneously, first I got an incredibly sick feeling in the pit of my stomach.  Seeing that picture took me back to that moment.  To him.  To everything.  The second thing that happened was that I started worrying about how I was going to get them off my camera.  I didn’t want to have to look at them again, which I would have to do if I was to delete them.  I also wasn’t particular thrilled at the idea of having someone else deleting them for me, since that would mean they would be looking at them; more importantly ME and my girl! So I was left in a serious quandary.

Then I started playing with the idea of posting them.  I mean not the ones of the two of us, but the cameos.  In some strange way it seems like it might make me feel like a way to gain some kind of power and control in a situation where I feel like I let him take all my power, control and dignity.

I am sure that I won’t post them.  But even the passing idea gave me a small moment of levity and enjoyment.  I believe he will get what he deserves in the end.

So I guess I’ll have to do the deleting myself…definitely something you don’t think about when your taking them!

Note of the day:

Beware the left over of a relationship, they can pack a mean punch.

… Now, it doesn’t even cross my mind.  I am assuming that this is a passing phase.  And my libido and desire to look at raunchy, ridiculous porn will return. And that I will have the urge to dust of my pink little hummingbird friend…oh geez maybe I just have to bite the  bullet, no pun intended, and go for it.  I just hate to masturbate half heartily, it seems almost sacrilege or something.  

As if I didn’t have reason enough to hate, “he who shall not be named”, this would be reason enough!

I mean killing a girls libido, and will to masturbate…that’s just cruel!

 I mean I have been feeling like I’ve been doing so much better with things.  Seriously! It’s been a month, there is really no reason why I need to be bursting into tears when I am seeing a pair of his pants!  WTF!

I just was flooded with all these memories.  I always used to wear them home from his house; or when I went over to his place and didn’t have anything to wear I’d put these stupid pair of pants on…I guess I just loved wearing his clothes…I don’t know what thats about (maybe a girl thing).  Or it’s just me?  

I just have this sick feeling in my stomach, and I want to hear is voice.  I want to be held.  I want to hear him say “it’s going to be okay”.  

Seriously, What the hell is wrong with me?  I know this guys an asshole, and that I really don’t want to be with him.  I just feel so vulnerable, sad, lost  and rejected right now.

Maybe this is why I never do laundry! HA!

Anyone have any sage words of wisdom on when this pain and hurt will subside?  I’ll take anything?

Now trust me, I know this sounds outrageous… and maybe unattainable.  But I believe in dreaming big!  And I have a few reasons why I think this  could work. (With A LOT of help from all you)

First, every blog/website/social media site started from virtually nothing.   Second, I am giving you permission to become a virtual “voyeur” into my life, in particular the blog focus on intimacy issues and real sex issues of a 20 something, that I don’t think many people really get to hear honestly, openly and on good days with some levity and humor.   Thirdly, it’s fun.  It allows you to be as interactive and anonymous at the same time (not bad). And finally if this project is successful you will be able to say you were a part of something from the ground up.  You believed in me, the idea, whatever, but that you were in on the ground floor and you were an integral part of building this site into what it became…think facebook,twitter,huffington post, whatever.  My point is it’s in your hands!

Lets see what the power of the internet and an idea can do!

So here’s your mission, if you choose to except. (okay forgive me, couldn’t resist)

I need you to come along with me on this blogging journey.  Whether it be reading a few times a week, telling a friend/s, adding a comment (which I have yet to receive), giving me advice technical or otherwise or adding me to your blog or website.  Whatever seems right for you.

The mission, or experiment will be completed when the blog comes to my attention via friend, family, media, or an outside source.  I.E. the blog coming full circle.  I have no clue how long that will take, or if that will ever happen. But, I have faith and a laptop. (and a lot of DD batteries)

So please, it’s only a minute out of your day and give me a click or link!  We could really do something cool!

Thanks.